Resolve.

"Tiger Lily"

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go (and never let go)
i'll never let go (i'll never let go)
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawl of you
for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"as the words that we'll hang from.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
cause i (cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
[x2]

why does tonight, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
cause i (cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words
cause i, i don't want to make things
and i, i don't want to make things any worse

Song of the moment: Tiger Lily by Matchbox Romance

You. Yah You.

What a smashing show at the bassment this evening! Truly phenominal. Playing in Traffic ROCKS MY WORLD! WOOT WOOT! And kudos to the rest of the performances. They were excellent as well. Great night all around.

I met you at the club that night
around was spinning records
and my heart said
hey now
hey now
hey now
hey now
yaaaow

you said you were pleased to meet me
through the sweet smell of your perfume
blew me
away now
away now
away now
away now
yaaaow

later on that week we went out,
talked under the stars until the next
day now
day now
day now
day now
yaaaow

you drank your fruitopia
and we never ran out of things to
say now
say now
say now
say now
yaaow

any minute im not with you
i hope ill see you soon
theres just something that happens
when you walk into the room

and instantly i feel so complete
it hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek
and you give me this feeling
its like no other feeling
but it knocks me off my feet

please dont ask me what i like about you
cause its every little thing you do
and thats just the way you make me feel

and i dont think
that there are any others out there like you
and i wont blink cause that would mean
i would miss a second beside you

and maybe you know what i mean
or maybe this is just a dream
i pinch myself just to make sure
but im still here and there you are
i wonder why we just met now
it just kind of happened somehow
but here we are together and
thats all that matters in the end

and instantly i feel so complete
it hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek
and you give me this feeling
its like no other feeling
but it knocks me off my feet

please dont ask me what i like about you
cause its every little thing you do
and thats just the way you make me feel

you can never ask for too much
cause id travel the world just to feel your touch
thats just the way you make me feel

Song of the moment: Hey Now by FM Static

Contemplation.

I don't think i want to post tonight.

Song of the moment: Feels Like Home by Chantel Kreviazuk

Taste of Chaos.

Wow. There are no words to describe how much i enjoyed myself last night. The pit was a BLAST! Definantly worth the pain today. And despite the acoustic stage, Tombstone rocked! It definantly sounded different, but it was excellent.

Song of the moment: Helena by My Chemical Romance

On Life.

I have a friend, who has given up on life.
Define life.
Life is what we live every day. How can someone give up on what is for most of us, an animal instinctive hope that we involuntarily cling to? How can a despair that strong possibly take hold of someone? I can't imagine how that is in the realm of possibility.
I want to runaway. Escape. I don't much like this life anymore. I would much rather a new one.
To be someone else, at least for a day, would be such a relief. Or maybe an object. Objects don't have feelings. They can't get hurt. They are simply there to enrich people's lives and bring them joy.
There is one feeling that i can't stand and that is to feel useless. To be unable to help someone. I think that has to be the worst feeling in the world. But if i was an object, i would have a specific purpose. I would be able to help someone with a problem. And yes, maybe it would only be that one problem, but at least i would have the guaruntee that i could help them with one thing.
There are no guaruntee's when your human...
So i resolve to pretend i am in Italy, with all of my friends who are leaving me, here at home with my good friend Evan and try to forget about this life. I will live in that one.

Song of the moment: Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew, sung by JoHanne Abrams

Let Down.

Well... things didn't turn out how i had hoped. But strangely enough, it was how i expected. So poop on all of you who didn't believe me. I am always right. I just know these things. Yes, i was distraught at first, but i think i will be alright. I feel strangely calm about the whole thing surprisingly enough. Maybe because i had resigned myself to the fact in the beginning. Well for whatever reason, life goes on. Maybe tomorrow will be different...but what if tomorrow never comes? I guess we all learn to deal with what life dishes out for us. I will survive.

Song of the moment: Fall to Pieces by Velvet Revolver

God.

This is a real photograph of the Helix Nebula, although it's technically not a single photograph but rather a composite image formed from several photographs taken by NASA's orbiting Hubble Space Telescope and a land-based telescope at the Kitt Peak National Observatory near Tucson, Arizona.

Many of the signs and billboards in the Orlando area were no match for Hurricane Charley. However, one billboard resisted the 100-mile per hour winds of the eye wall of the storm. While the billboard still stands, the advertisement that was there when Hurricane Charley hit was peeled back to reveal an earlier message. When the sun rose the next morning on Sand Lake Road in Orlando the words on the billboard clearly read:

Think about it...

Happy Saint Patty's Day Everyone.

I don't want to love you. All your little quirks. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe i won't feel this strong desire to be with you. But i don't want it to leave. I enjoy loving your laugh, your smile, your smell, your touch, your thoughts, your unfinished comebacks, how busy you are, how your going places, how your going to do great things, how cute you are. Maybe tomorrow will be different, and you will start to love some of those things in me...

Song of the moment: Beating Heart Baby by Head Automatica

Conversing with Aaron.

Aaron: You write about love a lot in your blog.
Niki: I do.
I don't mean to.
It just seems to come out.
Aaron: If you can't love your inner self... how can you be sure you know what love really is?
Niki: Maybe thats my problem?
Aaron: There is no love so perfect, as the love you have for yourself. Your family, your friends are a completely separate type of love.
If you love yourself, you will be more able to find another that you love, in the same way you love yourself.
*portion has been removed
Aaron: Being liked isn't even important.
Being known is.
Also - always remember this, always.
Live for YOU.
Don't live the way people think you should, don't act the way you think people will want you to act, don't FOLLOW.
Everyone does it, it's human nature. Break away from it. Become a true individual.

The Thoughts of Eric.

Some thoughts from a good friend, Eric. Read them. Or don't. It won't change your life. Or maybe it will. I dont know.


"5:13a.m."

Earlier tonight, I enabled myself to open my eyes. My reason...because life is boring, and I need a reason to be happy. I started thinking tonight, and the things I thought of, I could only dream of thinking by myself, but a person, a friend, filled in the blanks, and enlightened me to things which I couldn't make-up, or make myself believe I understood. Every complex, university degree, sentence he said, didn't end with a period, it ended with an explanation, and helped me understand.

We talked of our beliefs. Belief in God, belief in angels, and belief in the supernatural. I voiced my belief that, everyone is a soul and after life finds a place of peace. A soul meaning, I will find a place to move on to, and the only way I will know where to go, is because in my life, I have truly found what I enjoy doing based on what my routine is (If my mind was dark and cold, and flooded, I would look for a dark, cold home). I also believe in God, I believe there is a reason why were here, and that he knows, and he created us for a purpose.

Also, we talked of angels. We agreed that the term "Angel" means, "A god-like being" meaning, close to god, but not quite, because God is too pure, and too holy, and nothing compares to him. We also put together our ideas and agreed that when you watch television, and you see an angel, with the white robe, and wings, and halo, that is the world's best idea to describe an angel..."Bright, Beautiful, Holy, and looks like Everyone" and I agree with T.V. because an angel is us. We are guides, positive influences, inspirations, and as you express these traits to another person, they take in the knowledge we have shared, and better themselves, and others.

Drugs... I believe we need them. The world was meant to be holy, and but still is, because, although, drugs are circulating, and being used, no one can say everyone that has tried drugs is a failure and fuck up... perhaps drugs can help you understand life, and reality. Some creative, and original ideas were invented by people using drugs, and what is funny is that some people have branched off, or been inspired by an idea that was created on drugs.

I, myself, would be content, with never finding out what reality is, or even who I am, for that matter. My theory is that, finding out who you are is, is like being a virgin. Once you have had that crave to have sex, and finally get it, it becomes old news, and somewhat boring. So if I discovered who I was, what would be the meaning of my life... NOTHING AT ALL... I have found what everyone exceeds to search for, and I have spent, not all, but some of my life trying to figure out who I was, and realized it was better on the otherside when I didn't know.

"Life is a roadtrip, you don't know where your going, and that is the beauty of it."

I believe life shouldn't be expected to have routine, it's bullshit. I want to live every day different. Not meaning I went to my 'routine' job, and had a different discussion with my former employee, I mean exploring what God gave us, as such people, and the world, and more.

I myself am a temple full of flaws, as well as everyone, and If I had a wish it would to have the enlightenment to know when I am doing something wrong, like being rude, or being angry for the wrong reason. But the world is like that, everyone is always using someone or something, and it's sad, it's very sad. This also has nothing to do with contradicting the fact of never finding out who you are. It deals with living life spontaneous, and not using what you want, when you want.

(Exploited - To make use of selfishly or unethically: a country that exploited peasant labor.)

In first world countries, business men, and companies, are constantly in a fight for money...it's called being fucking selfish! They think, "hey! I live in a first world country, and my dollar is worth more than that third-world country over there, so why not take advantage of the people in that country." I 100% say FUCK THEM, and would love to place them under the foot. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN COMMUNISM. I believe in a system where everyone is treated fairly. Color, or race shouldn't make any difference. I believe that the harder you work, the more you should make. It is a fight for food/survival world, so why should the regular lazy ass couch potato, have more than what the doctor, or lawyer has? We live in an environment where we walk outside on our paved sidewalks, and think that we are better, and worth more value than the 13 year old boy searching through dumps, for bottles and cans to pay for supper. If you observe you will notice, that on the land of a third-world country our the cement paved buildings, sent by first world countries, like us, to exploit, and use the people living there. We pay them less, because LESS IS MORE to them...and it is very fucking sad. They are not given the abilities, and opportunies to have the schooling, and jobs such as everyone in our country do, and yet we use them, and abuse them. We are stealing their dreams, and changing them into what we believe they should dream... And the world... It is very very sad fucking place...and I... I took advantage as well. I am nothing but a good-for-nothing, no-life drop-out, that threw away everything because it came for free, and I took it for granted. Like a brand new bike in the city dump, because it didn't go fast enough...

Fear.

You all like outside Alyx right? What if you don't like inside Alyx?

Pensive tumbled jumble of thoughts.

Why are we here? Life. What is it all about?? Do we have a purpose? Love. I am searching for love. I want to find it. Desperately. Will i ever find it? I have serious doubts on the matter. I hate being a girl. I have becoming all excited about something so insignificant. But then i love it. Being able to become so giddily happy at a moments notice. But getting your hopes up, and having them dashed hurts. I am afraid. Of letting someone in. Of hurting someone again. I didn't mean to hurt so many people. I don't want to do it again. I can't bring myself to. That is why i don't take chances, let many people in. I have never had a broken heart, but i have broken many. I think its worse this way. Being responsible for someones heart ache, it hurts. Deep inside. I think i am secure with who i am, but am i really? Do i know who i am? I do. But why do i second guess my worth? I am worth something. Why do i second guess that? I think i have ADD. And be bipolar. Bipolar. Rosie is bipolar. Is it possible to live half your life in a high? Do you want me? I don't want to get my hopes up and think that you do, and i get mad when people get me thinking that you do, because i get excited. I don't want to be excited for nothing again. Maybe there is a chance? But then again, maybe there is a chance that you'll go back to her. Not me. Her. And i would be alright with that. I always am. I wanna scream the unfairness. But i am always alright with it. Maybe i should value my own happiness a little more. But i like living in other peoples happiness. I don't hurt anyone. I want to feel it. Is it real this time? I think it may be. Sometimes i wish i could become undesirable to my guy friends so that we could just be friends. Stop liking me. I'm not that special of a person. It ruins things. I think it is real. I hope so.

Song of the moment: The Shining by Badly Drawn Boy

Inspiration via Graham.

My new friend Graham wrote a piece like this a couple days ago, and it touched me. Today i found myself writing one of my own in class.

I want to be with you.
I want to hold you.
I want you to hold me.
I want to hang out with you.
I want you to want to hang out with me.
I want to dance with you.
I want you to dance with me.
I want to lay under the stars with you.
I want to nap with you.
I want to kiss you good night.
I want you to kiss me good morning.
I want you to come shopping for cheesy things like cheese, tea, and "vintage clothing" with me.
I want to lay with you and your cats and watch movies for hours.
I want to cook for you. Naked.
I want you to cook for me.
I want to stay home and play video games with you.
I want to look deep into the depth of your soul.
I want you to look deep into mine.
I want to cuddle with you.
I want you to cuddle with me.
I want you to be able to read me like a book.
I want to read a book.
I want to dance in the rain barefoot with you.
I want you to sing for me. Just for me.
I want you to be with me.

I want to know who it is that i want...
I think its you.

Song of the moment: With or Without You by U2.

Image.

Wow. I have come to the realization that guys are more selfconscious about how they look and what their image is than girls are. Contrary to popular belief. Someone should really let them know that we don't care what their wearing, how they look, or how messy their house/room is. We just wanna be with you...
Fucking brilliant show on Saturday even if the amp WAS being stupid.
Adventures with Graham are a blast. Everyone should strive to achieve them.

Song of the moment: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service

Come and See.

Coffee House
Bishop James Mahoney
7:30
$3.00 for students, $5.00 for adults
Come out and support the talented students of BJM!

Tell me if your planning on coming ahead of time if possible, i will reserve a table for your convenience.

Song of the moment: The Shining by Badly Drawn Boy

Keeping in touch.

Good morning!
And just in case i don't see you,
Good afternoon,
Good evening,
And good night!

Song of the moment: Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run

Back off.

Why cant they just leave me alone?! To live my life, or ruin it, however i see fit? I am becoming claustrophobic i feel so smothered.

"You need a wake up call." I need to fucking vent. To get out of here where i can breathe. This is a prison cell. Life, is a prison fucking cell.

"Your out of control." Am i? Well maybe i am a little tired of being in control.

Song of the Moment: Anything thats fucking loud.

More conversations with The Great Kyle Martin.

Kyle: "Well, then i guess life is alright. I'm not retarded. I'm just hopeless."

Alyx: "Not hopeless. Just hopelessly in love. Which is actually hope in itself."

Kyle: "Ah, now that's a new insight. I suppose its true."

Content.

I feel fuzzy.
A happy sort of haze seems to have settled in front my eyes. Like looking through rose-tinted glasses all day long.
A ray of hope glimmers inside. I think i am going to be ok.

Song of the moment: Cartwheels by The Reindeer Section